Anxiety is for wimps

Fuck fuck fuck!!! fuck anxiety! FUCK IT!!!

I never had anxiety before all this. I was pretty manic as that is my character but anxiety was something weak people had, not me. It was something I shamefully looked as an excuse or a cry for help but here I am sitting at my kitchen table wondering how I can combat this shitty feeling & why I can’t control it.

I mean, I’m hardcore right? I’m the one that tries to fix everything or make things all okay for everyone, I’m the one who has a mouth like a sewer when someone cuts me up! Yet I’m here with my stupid pounding chest and a pulse pounding on my neck, looking and feeling utterly ridiculous and angry!!! Why do I feel ashamed? Why do I feel like this shouldn’t happen to me? Why shouldn’t it? If I was to sit on the couch & tell my story to a shrink, I am almost certain that he would say it’s totally normal to be feeling anxious. Fuck that! I don’t want to feel anxious because I’m tougher than that right? Wrong.

No one is above anxiety. No one can tell if it will ever affect them. I certainly didn’t think that it would hit me, especially as it’s so far down the road from when I would have expected to have it. When my mum was trying to kill herself I don’t remember being anxious. What I remember is just being on high alert 24/7 & running about like a headless chicken & literally living of adrenaline. Looking back I guess that was anxiety but I used to go to bed at night so exhausted from crying & talking that I would take my sleeping pill & be out like a light. Why did I take sleeping pills? Because even though my body, my brain, my whole being was unbelievably exhausted, I could not sleep! I had insomnia for years. Thankfully I discovered meditation & it’s been a lifesaver or rather an insomnia saver ever since. I used to scoff at people who meditated!  What a joke! You see, that’s why you really can’t judge anyone too much because you really don’t know what they have been through or are still going through. You can’t look at a person & look down on them because they do things differently to you or choose to practise something you think it’s totally stupid. Going through this past 11 years has taught me to be more mindful about every little thing. You never know what the future is and you certainly never think that this could never happen to you because it can.