Today we find out if my dad has beaten his cancer. He’s already beaten cancer, a melanoma when I was 13. Then he got other skin cancers which have gone on for the past 30 years and now he has one of the rarest cancers you could get. Nasopharyngeal squamous. Because of past radiotherapy and chemo, he has been told that there is little they can do if it’s not successful but I doubt they will just leave it at that. They are basically saying you can have very little treatment after because we have already given you the maximum treatment a person can have to their head and neck without causing death. I have no doubt they would do something but it’s not what would need to be done.
If it wasn’t enough trying to deal with this alone. I am dealing with my mums declining mental health. 11 years thus far, several serious suicide attempts, severe anxiety, depression and literally hundreds of weird and not so wonderful obsessions ranging from people trying to kill her, religion, Paedophiles, race, white vans, twins (yes twins!!!) honestly, the list goes on and on and it’s more and more bizarre.
And now, we are faced with one of the most important days in all our lives. The day we find out my dad’s fate. This cancer combined with his other face cancer has taken its toll on my dad so severely. He’s now 68, not the 34 year he was when first diagnosed. He’s not so strong, doesn’t have the youthfulness on his side so this last cancer has totally destroyed his body. He has lost 4 stone in 6 months., lost all his muscle (he was so strong!!) he’s lost his spark, his passion for life, he’s interest in the things he loved.
So, what has this done to my mum? Someone we were already fighting for every single day. Someone who struggled just stepping out the door for the past 11 years.
They say you can tell a person by their eyes. Normally I don’t agree with this but with my mum it’s true. Her eyes change when she is having a really bad relapse. Her eyes change, they become dark, they become lifeless, cold, scared and they look at you with intense distrust. I have seen people who have murdered and have seen eyes that look pure evil, that’s the only time I agree with the idea of seeing who someone is through their eyes but with my mum, you just know by looking at her how she is and right now, she’s pretty bad.
All of this is no surprise. Her husband whom she dearly loves may die. It’s that simple. She’s terrified. We are all terrified. My dad isn’t like a 68 year old. He went to music festivals and was hardcore in doing so! He loves music with a passion. He would travel the country going to gigs, festivals, pubs, anywhere with a decent live band. But this has faded dramatically. He can’t taste as the radiotherapy has killed his taste buds, so having a long loved ale isn’t fun, it tastes like you would imagine dish water to taste like. He has lost his hearing in one ear, he can’t eat for the same reason he can’t drink. He can’t work, he is too weak. There is no bonuses in his life right now. The one thing he could do with my mum would be to take her out for food, so this has gone too.
So it is no wonder my mum has declined. We are all dealing with the huge black cloud over our heads but adding mental health into the equation has made it almost impossible for her to cope. With her not coping, the pressure is on me. My dad is too unwell and I am left trying to keep it together in order to keep her together. It’s more than hard. It’s soul destroying. It features everyday of my Life, all of our lives. .
What do you do? What can you do? Well, you take it one day at a time. Deal with today and just get through it the best you can. Tomorrow is a new day and today will be a distant memory. It’s the only way forward. Positivity is a must! Negativity does nothing but bring more negativity. I’m very positive the results will be the best. I have to be. If they aren’t, we deal with that one day at a time too and in the meantime I will fight with all I have to keep my mum from sinking as best as I can.
We are all little ants in a huge vast desert trying to survive. All striving for the same thing. We can only do what we can do. We aren’t superhuman and we can’t do anymore but our very best.