The pain of Mental Health

It is truly heartbreaking to see a loved one go through some kind of Mental Health illness. Heartbreaking doesn’t even cut it actually. It’s more like crushing, devastating & soul destroying. You see a person you know & love with all your heart, suddenly change. In many instances even become unrecognisable, behaving like you have never known before & even stranger, sometimes also changing in the way they look. For me, it was my mums eyes. Her beautiful hazel eyes changed so much it was shocking. Some won’t believe it but even the colour changed, it was like the fear had taken over her entire body. Not only had mum lost at least a couple of stone in a crazily short period of time but her hair suddenly had a streak of grey that hadn’t appeared to be there before. Her skin had paled dramatically and her eyes had this wild look about them, a look that said a thousand words but most of all, said fear.

In the early days I was accused of so many horrific things, some things that literally made my stomach churn. I was accused of having an affair with my own father, being a member of the mafia, being involved in drug rings, being a prostitute (I did roar at that one!) & even of being the devil himself, the list goes on. It’s really really hard to write that, One because of fear that people might read it & actually think maybe those accusations are true and two, because it hurts so bad that your own mum could think that of you. Even though I knew none of it was true & I knew it was her brain playing tricks on her, none of that mattered to me. It was the fact that when she said these things, they were said with such conviction & with that look in her eyes which said exactly what she thought of me, it actually made me feel like I had done something so bad, that maybe she had really felt like that, or maybe I had hurt her so much in the past (I had only ever been a normal teen, a bit rebellious) & that this was my punishment.

What I am taking about is the pain it causes the loved ones close to that person. The heavy heart you carry around 24/7 never goes. Yes, I can go out, let my hair down, laugh, dance & have a great time, but it never ever leaves me. Of course, this isn’t the case for everyone, I happen to be extremely close to my mum, perhaps too close at times, perhaps we confided in each other too much & relied on each other emotionally more than we should have, who knows. All I know is that I have never felt pain like it. It’s like a grief, but the person is still alive. It’s like they have left their body and been replaced with someone else but you know the real them is still in there but you can’t reach them. I think about her & the illness every single day, day in, day out, night in, night out! Literally, it never leaves me. Ever.

I find it particularly hard at special occasions like Christmas. Christmas is time so many people find difficult for many reasons. It’s a time I have such fond memories of, Mum dressing this ridiculously huge tree, decorated so beautifully. We were allowed to dress the tree but I knew (Because I do the same) that mum then went back & rearranged it. The house would smell of baking with what I call real fruit cakes in the oven laced with alcohol. Brandy snaps were homemade, delicately rolled around a wooden spoon. Christmas carols always played in our house, our stockings had tradition written all over them with satsumas & nuts placed in one of the legs from mums tights, surrounding the perfectly chosen little stocking fillers. Mum used to go to a the beautiful town of Arundel in Sussex where they had the most delightful little gift shops, filled with quirky fun things perfect for my sister & I who loved the unusual. Christmas was a proper family occasion, full of joy, laughter, food, games & silliness. Now, Christmas for me is hard. The joy of having a child made Christmas special & that made things a lot easier but there was & is, always a sadness in me because the spark has gone, the smile on my mums face has gone, there is no carols playing when I visit, no tree unless I do one for her, no Christmassy spirit because now, Christmas like all other occasions, Easter, Halloween, summer bbqs only bring anxiety & sadness. My mum doesn’t live with me although she did for a while before being sectioned but it’s always there, in my mind, bothering me. I find it difficult to be at these events without feeling a real dull ache in my heart, craving for the old mum I knew to return, to see that smile, a real smile not a “I’m pretending to be ok” smile. It hurts like no other pain I know other than actually losing someone when they die. So it’s not just the person who is ill, it can affect the people caring for them so profoundly it can alter the whole course of their life, and in some cases make them actually become mentally ill themselves.