In the beginning I was constantly on auto pilot đŠââď¸Â it wasnât by choice, it was just how my brain was deciding to manage it all. When you have a loved one trying to escape from the house, run into the road & harm themselves at every opportunity, being on auto pilot is all you can do because you need to have your wits about you. There were nights where I would sleep for maybe two hours. I lost count of how many books I read during the first couple of years,  I couldnât sleep & it was the was the only way to occupy my mind. I lose myself in books, I forget whatâs going on around me whilst I read. That was the early days & although I still love books, over the past few years they havenât been able to completely free my mind like they did.
So, what do I do? How do I occupy my mind now? Well, itâs probably not the thing for some people but for me, research has been a major factor in taking my dark thoughts away, from stopping me thinking about my mums attempted suicide & all whilst learning, a win win. I LOVE to research! Give me a topic & I will research it into the deepest nittiest grittiest corners. I have researched anything from Fibromyalgia (my husband is a fibro warrior) to wildlife & everything & anything in between including Mental Health of course.
When I suffered with insomnia, reading didnât cut it because I was too tired to focus so I started to medicate. I was a total sceptic when it come to meditation, I just thought it meant sitting with crossed legs, holding middle finger to thumb & mumbling some kind of crap! I take it all back, it works, it truly works, well it did for me anyway & I definitely donât meditate like I described. I listen to YouTube, a couple of guys called âThe honest guysâ itâs called guided meditation & for me, the soothing voice, the talk down & the ability they have to make you completely relax works a treat!
The other thing I love is the gym. Iâm addicted. I always have loved it but over the past 10 years my love for it has grown (although at 6am you wouldnât think I liked it at all!). Donât get me wrong, Iâm no Jane Fonda & I would literally scare the shite out of the fitness instructors if I wore a leotard, but I love it & it keeps my mind focused & my body strong.
It is all about balance & trying to find that happy place between being the caregiver & being kind to yourself. Itâs something I am only just coming to understand & practise. Only in the past year have I started to give back to myself & realising I canât fix everything & everyone. I always felt guilty if I bought myself something nice, or pampered myself. It felt like, if my mum was suffering & so utterly miserable how could I go & enjoy some time to relax, have fun, laugh & actually live a little?Guilt has been a huge feature during this journey, it has reared its ugly head when I least expected it. I could be out shopping for something nice to wear for the first time in months & all of a sudden I would be suffocated by this overwhelming feeling that I was being selfish because there was my mum, sitting in a mental hospital feeling terrified, lonely & probably abandoned. Of course I never ever abandoned my mum, I had absolutely no reason to feel any guilt, it wasnât my fault yet I blamed myself. I would visit my mum sometimes three times a day in the beginning. If she called me & was distressed, complaining about another patient, asking for cigarettes or whatever the reason, I would go, right away. Even if I hadnât run to her whenever she needed me, I still didnât have reason to feel guilt but I donât think it will ever leave me completely, itâs always there in the back of my mind because there is nothing I want more than for her to be living again, not existing & I feel like me living & enjoying life is selfish đ¤ˇđźââď¸
It has taken me almost 11 years to get to this point in my life. I wish there had been someone there to relate to, someone who knew what it is like. Of course I had family & friends who listened, they were  loving, caring & tried to understand but ultimately they really couldnât possibly understand exactly how it feels. Writing this blog is therapeutic & very rewarding but Iâm doing it to reach out to people who might be going through something similar. You never know what a person is going through until you walk in their shoes. â¤ď¸
#mentalhealth #itsnotyourfault
Mental health (poorly brain) 
It really needs courage to be a good caregiver. If you are not neglecting her and her feelings, if you are there for her whenever she needs you, then you should not feel guilty. You need to live your life too and it does not make you selfish. If you neglect her, do not continue her treatment and blame her for her behaviour then you might be considered as selfish. Take care of yourself.
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