stop the world I want to get off!!!!

Days like today I just want everyone to fuck off. Sorry to be blunt but that’s real life. I don’t have my own life, not fully, it’s dictated to me. Some might say that is my fault & I could change it if I wanted to which isn’t necessarily true. Yes, I could stop going to my mum & taking her out, doing her cleaning, taking her to appointments, seeing to her general well-being. I could do that. I could have a life where I work a normal 9-5 job or a job which suits but I don’t.

Is this a choice really? For me, I don’t see it as a choice, I see it as my mum needing me & relying on me to help her get through this illness. Over time though I have realised there is no end to this illness & actually she won’t get better to the extent she can drive again, take herself out or be totally independent. That realisation sucks!!! And it only really sunk in a few years ago, for the first 8 years I truly believed I could ‘cure’ her. Idiot.

If you didn’t get the jist, I’m angry. I am angry, I’m pissed off, I’m sick & tired, literally. I am mentally & physically drained, my road rage is bad, this is always a sign I’m feeling strained. Normally, I’m kind, patient, understanding & would go out of my way to help anyone. When I feel like this I just want the world to stop so I can get off!

I was called a martyr once. If you look at the some of the definitions, a martyr is someone who exaggerates their pain & suffering. All I would say to that person is walk one week in my shoes. Actually, walk one day. One day of trying to calm someone down who is so anxious they shake & sweat, who needs constant reassurance, who’s eyes are darting from one person to the next to see who is out to get them, someone who truly believes they are going to suffer a horrific brutal death at any moment. Then try & walk away from that person, your own mum. Could you do it? Have you any idea how much energy that takes? How many skills come in to play when you are using  strategies to calm that person down. It can take a whole day to do this IF you actually achieve it at all & by the time you get in, you feel like you are absolutely wrecked but you get on & close the door behind you & then become mum again, organiser & good old allrounder because that what you do. You cope. You carry on.

But some days, not often, I stop & I  say NO! I can’t do it today. You will all have to get on with it & just leave me alone. When I have a day like this, panic sets in. My mum thinks I’ll never come back, my dad goes into quiet mode with a sprinkling of mood because he is frustrated by her illness too & he works as many hours as he can because he can’t cope with being at home with her & he needs to work, or wants to work I think. He’s coping mechanisms are music & red wine, I wish I found solace in such simple things.

So today is a “leave me alone” day. I want to clean my car out, change the bedding, clean out my kitchen cupboards. This sounds like the most boring tasks but it will make me feel better, tidy house, tidy mind & all that. I’m going to spend the day in my nightie & put on a face pack, play some old skool tunes & drink tea!! Today is not everyone’s idea of bliss but for me it is. I don’t have to go out, I’m normally out 7 days as week, I work evenings & I work every weekend & then of course I am with my mum during the days.

I am not looking for a big pat on the shoulder or to be told I’m so wonderful. I don’t feel like that, that isn’t why I do it. Some days I feel so far from good & kind, I feel an ugly anger, bitterness & frustration that it almost breaks me. Almost.

Ill be ok tomorrow, I would have had a very rare day at home all day & I will feel refreshed & calm. Tonight I have decided to go to the cinema & watch Bohemian  Rhapsody. I will do my absolute best to totally cut off & fully emerse myself in the atmosphere, popcorn & the moment. Tomorrow is a new day.