I messed up but it’s ok

It has been way too long since I last blogged but I thought, seeing as I’m feeling the way I am, it is probably the time I should blog.

Dealing with a loved one with mental health is extreme. It’s draining, heartbreaking, tiring, soul destroying and dare I say it, boring. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that in the  derogatory way it sounds. But the reality is that it does get boring. Day in day out, negativity, anxiety, trust issues, vacant looks, silence, low mood, accusations, no energy, forgetfulness, confusion, the list goes on and on. I am not blaming my mum at all. I’m not complaining  as such I am simply stating the facts of looking after someone with mental health. It’s just how it is. It doesn’t mean I love her any less, in fact I go out of my way to make her feel even more loved than ever.

So now we have covered that. What happens when you start experiencing the worst anxiety or some kind of mental health which you have never had before because the person you are looking after is making you feel that way? Or at least their illness has.  What do you do then? They need you, you care for them, you need to be level headed and strong but inside, you are falling apart too.

This is me. This is my life. You never ever think it will happen to you or your family. But it does. A lot! Don’t be fooled to ever thinking that this can’t possible happen to you because that is what I thought. Then bam!!!! After 11 years of looking after my mum, I myself am now suffering extreme anxiety. It’s so bad that I have now been put on beta blockers because my heart is racing so badly it literally feels like it’s in my throat. I have tried everything from meditation (which I still do) to reading, studying, you name it but it’s got too much and too strong for me to control on my own.

I cant crack. I can’t not be here. I have my family who need me and I need them. I have a son who relies on me so much for support. I am his go to. His dad is there too and he’s the best dad ever but I am the one he comes to mostly because he’s a mums boy and mum knows how to fix things only mums can fix. But what if I need fixing?

so this happened. I went out at the weekend. Long story very short I got drunk. But I was drunk before I went out. I hardly drink, but when I do, maybe a couple of times a month if that, I really binge! The worst type I think. So why did I get drunk before I went out? Well, I wasn’t really feeling it anyway. I didn’t really want to go because my anxiety had been so horrific all week, I was literally drained. But, it was supposed to be time with my sister and we don’t get to see each other  for quality time as we both work lots and we both take turns in caring for my mum. I do a lot more than my sister because they tend to clash. So, in an attempt to take this horrific feeling of pure doom, I had a drink before I left, in fact I had a few drinks before I left and then more drink out.

So, this night out started badly before I even stepped out the door. I was anxious, my brain would not stop whirling around my head with thoughts I can only describe as dark and dooming. We are awaiting my dad’s cancer results which come in a week. These results literally mean his life is hanging in the balance. It’s such a rare cancer that they have already said they basically can’t treat it if it treatment has been unsuccessful. He’s the kindest most lovely man you could ever wish to meet and he’s my hero. I’m sure they will throw everything they have at it but the final results deter everything. My anxiety was bad enough with my mum’s illness let alone my dad’s too.

So the weekend was a disaster. I got so, so drunk I danced like a headless chicken and like a total lunatic! This may sound like “oh well she was just having fun” and granted, I may have looked like I was, I mean the music was banging and it was a beautiful day but inside I was screaming!!! And of course, that all came out at the end. I cried so hard, like I have never cried before. I sobbed uncontrollably when I got home. I wailed so loudly it felt like the pain was literally leaving my body and I felt myself physically letting everything go, giving up my strength, my brave face, my positivity, my smile I put on even when sad. It was the total blow out of all blow outs!!! I cried and cried and cried until I wore myself out and fell asleep. When I woke up, I cried again and again all day. I didn’t cry because I made a total idiot out of myself, although I wish I hadn’t, I did and I can’t change that nor do I much care what anyone thinks if I am honest but what I did care about is that I let my sister down and I let myself down.

Or did I? My husband, my son and my mother in law where all there when I broke. They were unbelievably amazing!! Not that I’d expect anything else. My son has never seen me like that and at first I was so upset he had but he is 15 years old, almost 16 and you can’t wrap them up in this protective bubble their whole lives. So I told my son why I was like it, I explained how I was feeling, how his Nan and grandads illnesses were effecting me and how hard it’s been. My 15 year old son took me in his arms and held me so tight, gentle rocking me, stroking my hair and telling me it’s all going to be ok and that no matter what, he is always here for me. He said it must be awful, watching my mum and dad suffer and that he cant imagine the pain and it’s ok to let it all out. I guess I did do something right eh! And he’s right. It is ok to let it out. Ok, maybe don’t go to the extreme and act like someone who was partying for the whole world but there’s worse ways to do it right?

The thing is. Mental health effects us all in some way. How we deal with it varies from one person to another. My way seems to be to have too much to drink and party to the extreme. Others may get drunk alone indoors, maybe overeat, not eat enough, take drugs, self harm, sleep too much. The fact is, we ALL have to have a release from life at some point. A break from the everyday slog of work, everyday stresses of this crazy world. It’s ok. No one has ever walked in your shoes. We may have similar things happen to each other but this is your own journey and you take it the best way you can.

So now instead of feeling so angry at myself for getting so wrecked and having to take medication to help my feelings, I am giving myself a break. This is my journey, I am dealing with it, I am trying my best to cope and I am giving 110% to life, to make a better life for my family and to be the best I can be, and if I fck up along the way then so be it.

Tina xxx