Hanging on by a thread 🧵

Well it’s now 2024. How? Why? 2024 & in the same situation but only worse.
This is unfair beyond belief. It’s cruel. The suffering my mum is experiencing is horrific & whilst she suffers, we suffer.

How I am still here is quite literally beyond me. Strong? Determined? No, I think more like because I have no choice. My life is ruled for me & I can’t even make the choice to be here or not because I have people to consider. How can I leave this planet when I have a son? I can’t, it’s as simple as that because I cannot & will not put him through what I have been through with my own mum & let history repeat itself. So I’m trapped.

Angry doesn’t cut it when it comes to our wonderful “services”. Failed time & time again, broken promises, false hopes & very little help or understanding. I had a long break from writing this blog. Instead I went a bit mad, took to social media to rant, posted videos of me in the most undesirable states, cried, swore, snotted all over the show for all to see in the ridiculous hope it might get me help. Yes it was noticed, I think a few peoples arses started to tense at the thought I might call them out but it did nothing really, again a failed cry for help.

The thoughts of the most awful things plagued my brain for a long time. Do I go to the council & take a gun & threaten them all? Do I go torch the place? Chain myself to a fence? Do I go somewhere & make such a huge scene & call the press to come down? Of course none of these things in reality could I do nor would I want to but when a person is desperate it’s amazing what weird & not so wonderful things your brain can come up with.

17 years this year. Caring for the woman who I adored the most in the world for 17 years. That woman is the one who is quite literally killing me & it’s not her fault but when do I say enough? We were refused funding yesterday for a full care package at home, because it would cost more than it would to put her in a nursing home. All these years I’ve cared for her, all these years I fought and literally run myself into the ground to keep her safe and well, and now that option and choice is being snatched away yet again because of money. Never mind about the hundreds and thousands of pounds I have saved the government by looking after my mum myself, never mind about the damage It has done to me and my family, never mind about the mental health It has caused me and the way I am suffering mentally and physically with so much pain.

If there is one lesson I have learnt and it is probably the most valuable lesson that I could ever tell anyone, you need to look after yourself before you look after anyone else because ultimately, Carers who give everything often needed to then be looked after themselves because they become ill.
I’ve lost myself. Life is a leech, it’s quite literally sucking my whole being, my personality, humour, courage, strength, it’s sucking me dry & I need to act before it’s too late.