Let’s face it, lots of people already think I’m a bit of a fruit loop, hectic, hyper, emotional. That’s ok, they are right. I don’t take offence to any of these observations. I’m not trying to be anyone I’m not & nor do I want to be.
One thing I have learnt dealing with my mums illness is that I really REALLY don’t care what anyone wants to think of me. I always was a kinda free spirit, a little wild but I liked being like that. I didn’t choose to be that way it’s just how I was. I still am to a degree but unfortunately this experience had dampened down my wildness a fair bit. I say unfortunately but it’s not a bad thing. We all need to settle down at some point & act like an adult don’t we? 🤷🏼♀️
When I had my son 15 years ago it changed everything. I gave up smoking the day I found out. I changed in so many ways. Up until that day I was still raving & I loved it. Every.single.minute! And that’s ok, I’m not ashamed to say that. I was a late starter I guess. I had my son when I was 29. I partied all the way until I fell pregnant. I can still party today given the chance & I will, I don’t care if you think I’m past it or my music taste is so stuck in the 90’s. It means nothing to me.
I was always happy go lucky Tina, always a smile, always laughing, playing jokes, doing accents (my Speciality) larking about. I still do all these things but not so much, maybe it’s my age & not this journey that has changed me but I do know that throughout this time I have learnt just how much people judge. We, the good old British public, the whole world, judge the absolute crap out of each other! We look down at people, we think WE are so much better than others.
Let me tell you this. Don’t ever think you are better than anyone. For whatever reason you think you are, don’t think it. Are you better then a cold blooded murderer? Yes, if you don’t do the same you are better, a better person but don’t think like that. When you think like that it makes you a person that isn’t so great. It makes you the one who gets it in their head that everyday people are below you. A murderer is not an everyday person granted. But once you decide to think it about one person it soon spreads & your thought process becomes negative & stale.
I look at the news & I see people who have murdered & I think “you bastard!” but I choose not to think that I am better because then that feeling can flood your feelings toward others, good people, people that haven’t committed heinous crimes, people you hang around with, sometimes even your really good friends. We all judge, it’s in our nature, it’s our natural instinct to look at someone & make a judgment. You may see someone with tattoos all over their body, peircings in every orifice & you will make a judgment on that person because of what you see. You might see someone walking down the street with a tiny mini skirt, showing her legs right up to the crouch. We sneer, laugh, mock, we’ve ALL done it but WHY?? Who are we to think bad of that person? I’m not saying I’ll never have a laugh at someone’s else’s expense, I’d be a bloody liar if I said I wont but I try very hard not to judge a person by the way they look or act. I have no idea what that person has been though, if anything. Maybe they have the best life ever but they just want to make an impression, or are just simply doing it for their own satisfaction. Good on them.
My mum. The louder than life woman who threw the best fancy dress parties the 90’s ever saw. The Antique dealer. The mother, wife, nurse. A very intelligent woman who loved trival pursuit & was the best mum ever. That woman became a woman who tried to take her own life, who ended up running down a busy motorway trying to escape who knows what evils. That woman, has been judged. She has lost ALL of her friends because they think they are above mental health. They are above nothing or anyone.
They are not. You are not.