I wish I could get inside my mums brain & have a little crawl about & explore what’s going on. I had a bad (horrific) back issue for 5 years, I remember thinking that I wished I could just open up the centre of my back & have a look to see what was wrong. If I could get inside my mums head I might be able to help her more but even she doesn’t know what the problem is some of the time.
Anything can trigger bad feelings. It might be music, a smell, a sight, just like anyone without mental isuues would experience. I bet we all have that particular smell that reminds you of something or someone right? A certain song that triggers a memory, good or bad. With Mental Illness it seems that every memory is basically shit on! In my mums case, most memories are now remembered as bad ones. Songs which were loved & sung years before are now not listened to because it causes distress for what ever reason. Wonderful memories I thought we had are now relayed differently with my mums perspective, being the total opposite of mine. It really hurts, that days out, family gatherings & holidays etc are remembered as mostly bad. Had my mum thought it at the time? Did she really have such an awful time on all these occasions? It is almost too much to bare to think that all along she was just pretending to be happy & enjoying herself. I can’t think it’s all true, surely she enjoyed some of it. I just don’t know anymore & it is heartbreaking.
Sometimes we would be sitting having a coffee in our regular jaunt when all of a sudden mums eyes would lock on to a person & she would glare at them with this really accusationary look which if they happend to look up would make them squirm in their seat. I would ask why she was staring & she would tell me they had done something bad to her. This isn’t an isolated incident unfortunately & it seems there is always someone about to trigger a bad or unpleasant memory.
The thing is, I don’t know if these people did something bad to her, I wasn’t there. Maybe these people who always seem to be in the place we are, actually did upset her at some point of her life, I mean we live in a small town, it’s quite possible but is it really true? Are these memories real? I feel awful for even writing my doubts down but that’s the thing with this, I just don’t know.
Mental Illness is hard enough to cope with for the actual person suffering & for their family. Add in all the nasty intrusive thoughts, mix them up with some confusion, pour in some horrific memories & sprinkle with anxiety & fear, you have yourself a cocktail of hell. It is a concoction I would like to stay away from.